WHFB The bone orchard (ging auf deutsch einfach nicht)

the_lifeless

Aushilfspinsler
10. Januar 2007
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Jaja, ich weiss, ich sollte mich erstmal begonnenem widmen aber nachdem mir mir festplatte mit den entwuerfen verreckt ist muss ich jetzt sachen nochmal schreiben, die ich im kopf schon abgehakt hatte :angry:
zuerst mal dank an shoker, dass er mir die dunkelelfen zurueck in den wahrnehmungshorizont gekickt hat.
noch eine kurze anmerkung zur uebersetzung, da die sprache der druchii sich von der der menschen grundlegend unterscheidet sind fuer jedes gesprochene wort unzaehlige moeglichkeiten gegeben, hier zu lesen ist eine annaeherung, jedoch keine praezise uebersetzung.😀
ich glaube ich lasse hierzu einfach mal einen meiner meist geliebte, wenn auch lange toten rpg- nscs sprechen: "This is a story of love and sorrow, a story of loss and hatred. a story as fantastic and unbelievable as one might think of. and yet it is true, for this my friend is an elven story..." klappe zu jetzt, galaher, denn der vorhang oeffnet sich...


The Bone Orchard

Part I A storm is coming

A lord of old,
a crystal crown,
warded threefold
in the garden of bone.
Warded by sea and spear and stone.

The prophecy of the bone orchard

Light as red as blood was leaking from the braziers. The coals glowing in the darkness made the shadows grow rather than shrink. And indistinctive figures were dancing on stone, the cave a battleground of ghosts, souls long lost and gone...
"The one who dwells in shadow will try to trick you! He will betray you, if you forget..." A voice, faint and unknown clung to his mind like cobwebs, shards of memory, broken glass.
"Look into the mirror..." A hoarse whisper, one among a thousand. But the prophet was smiling, and suddenly the dreamer knew: this was real.
His face a ruin, where the spear had ripped through his flesh, his eyes like embers, glowing like madness in the dark the scholar of shadow and death stood beside the well. His wolfish grin tearing his face apart, blood dripping into the clear waters, obscuring the story they told.
Although the dreamer was stricken with terror of that smiling half-face, hovering in the blackness he did, as he had been told.
And the prophet spoke again...
"Look into the mirror. For soon you will fade, forget and be forgotten. And only the ivory trees of the bone orchard will sing your death..."
The smile grew wide and wider, "And I will have my revenge, oh king of nothing."
It was then that the dreamer stepped forward.
And he saw, and he remembered...

A wind was arising in the mountains of doom, as winter awoke. And it's breath spread far across the land, over woods, dark and hidden in the misty dreams of autumn, over high cliffs of broken stone it flew, until it reached the sea.
Black ships were cutting through the waves, wood moaned, and the sails were singing.
Packed into their holds were hundreds of slaves, rowing the oars, groveling in their own dirt. Their skin scorched by the whip, sweat burning in their wounds. Many had died, and sometimes the living envied the dead, for they had lost everything, even their memories of home, their dreams of hope, which were more painful than any torture, their dark masters seemed able to think of. For not even in their worst nightmares the children of the east had seen the darkness of the days to come. But the ships kept on crawling over the cold waters like giant insects. The drums beating like restless hearts. Full of hatred and rage, and hunger that all life in the world couldn't feed.
Sometimes one of the beasts, which were chained to the largest of the slave-ships raised it's head above the waves and screamed. A shrieking noise that made even the creaking planks, which had known a hundred lifetimes of misery shiver.
At the prow of this devourer of souls stood a lonely figure, staring into the west, where black clouds were rising. 200 long years had come and gone, since he had fled the tower of doom, going into exile.
His name was Vythrael, Aendar'yss, the Stormlord he was called and he was dreaming, dreaming of a treasure long lost.
Golden her hair had been and even among the elves, who were known to be the fairest of mortals her beauty had been legend.
She had been his, a thousand lifetimes ago it seemed.
"Mylord, a storm is coming,..." the captains harsh voice shattered his memories, and every shard cut bleeding wounds.
"Shall I give orders to change course?"
"No, captain, for too long I have waited, hidden and run. Let the waves and wind sing of my return. Naggaroth deems us welcome..."


So, hier die einfuehrung (wer mir den philosophen nennen kann, von dem ich das hoehlengleichnis geklaut hab kriegt nen gedankenkeks), ich hoffe es gefaellt, und sobald ich meine lyrische ader entdeckt hab und mich ein wenig in den hintern trete gehts auch mit den anderen geschichten weiter, bis dahin pog mahon

danke fuer eure geschaetzte aufmerksamkeit

the_lifeless
 
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Oha
zuerst mal dank an shoker, dass er mir die dunkelelfen zurueck in den wahrnehmungshorizont gekickt hat.
gern geschehen. Die DE sind einfach mein Lieblingsvolk.

ich verzichte mal auf Rechtschreibkontrolle, weil ich in Englisch einfach nich so bewandert bin. Ich will auch nicht behaupten, alles verstanden zu haben, aber das, was sich mir erschlossen hat, klang schon sehr schön. Du kannst die Situationen gut rüber bringen.

Golden her hair had been
das würde im Deutschen gut klingen, aber ich glaube, ein Englisch-Leher würde dir dafür den Hals umdrehen.

Ansonsten: das Höhlengleichnis stammt von Platon. Ich denke mal, du hast es in den ersten Sätzen benutzt, oder?
 
Dein Schreibstil ist sehr gut. Die Geschichte hat mich sofort gefesselt und macht Lust auf mehr. Deine Art, Dinge zu Beschreiben erinnert mich sehr an Michael Moorcock. Kann aber auch einfach daran liegen, dass ich dessen Bücher auf Englisch gelesen habe und es in Elric ebenfalls um Dunkelelfen geht.

Many had died, and sometimes the living envied the dead, for they had lost everything, even their memories of home, their dreams of hope, which were more painful, than any torture, their dark masters could come up with.

Dass klingt irgendwie ein bißchen so, als wären die Dunkelelfen nicht allzu einfallsreich wenn es ums Foltern geht. Schreib es doch so um, dass auch diese Erinnerungen und Hoffnungen teil der immerwährenden Folter durch ihre Dunkelelfenmeister sind.
 
Tso, rotzl, endlich wieder, zurück (und es gibt sogar ein ü hier) tja, nachdem die heimkehr vollzogen ist, und ich auch wieder fest auf deutscher erde stehe hatte ich endlich mal wieder zeit (und muse) mich phantastischen welten zu widmen. Bis wihnachten hats wohl nicht mehr geklappt, ist ja aber auch blöd sich stress zu machen ist blß schlecht für die seele. Bloß doof, dass mir zum geschichtenwttbewerb nichts mehr eingefallen ist, tja werd ich mich eben in kritik und lob üben, sobald ich zeit dafür hab...
Hier zunächst der 2. Teil der geschichte des knochengartens ich hoff es gefällt, bühne frei:

The storm had come, the sea a black pandemonium, demons dancing on the rigs, lights flickering green and blue. Waves rose high as mountain tops. Lightning tore the sky apart.
Black were their hearts, but this night even the dark elves knew fear, for the ships were screaming in agony, and their master, the high lord of Khór´athar, who was the last of his house was lost to madness.
Frightfully they cowered in the shadows, pale faces peering out from underneath dripping hoods. But Vythrael did not hide, arms raised he stood at the prow, his long hair clinging to his skull he faced the darkness. His fingers clawing, scratching, reaching for the darkness that hung from the sky, as the waves came crushing in, showering the planks with water cold as ice. And his laughter was a terrible thing, riding with the rolling thunder, dancing on the waves, mocking the fear of captain and corsair alike...
Then, suddenly all sound seemed to have gone from the world. Even the storm held its breath as blackness rose up from the waters, a mountain high as the clouds, crowned with curling white. And the slavers` blood froze as a single lightning illuminated the dreadful night.
Only when they realised that the ships were still moaning, the slaves screaming in panic, that the rain was still falling they raised their heads, staring straight into the face of death. Moments stretched into eternity, their lungs on the verge of bursting but not one of them dared to breathe.
Slowly the ships veered sideways. Drawn into that gaping mouth, as if the sea itself had become a roaring monster, eager to feed on their flesh and life, to devour their dreams and drag them into darkness. Where their souls would wander in lightless eternity unable to find the paths of moonlight, their way into the otherworld. In eerie silence they watched the black avalanche coming down upon them. Battered by a thousand fists all they could do, was to hold on to whatever their numb fingers found.
They did not hear the strong fore course breaking and only seconds later the main mast splintered like driftwood, smashing through the wooden planks.
Some held on to life, while others were too weak, taken by the darkness even their last screams were swallowed as they became a part of the howl which rode the waves...
But finally it ended, it was over...
Moving like sleepwalkers they raised their arms to the heavens, praising whatever gods or demons might have saved them. They cried and screamed and laughed, but the silence did not vanish quickly...
They had seen the wrath of the sea, they had seen the terrors lurking beneath the waves, and they had survived.
At first the world was quiet, then sound returned, they heard the crush and hiss of waves. The wind blew through sails which hung in tatters from broken masts. The soft whispers of rain falling, they were alive...
Surely the exile lord must have been taken by the storm, but there was a voice, and fear shook them, made them shiver, as they saw him, still standing. Singing, a song none of them had ever heard, planting the seed of despair in their hearts, for they knew, this night was not yet over...

"...Be it slave or be it king
They all have their songs to sing

So Storms arise,
And winds will howl
And drown the lord of lies
A feast for crows
A carrion land
A king left dying in the sand"​
...

Part II Land of Shadow

Underneath a purple sky, a hint of red, turning grey where morning would never spread his wings lay a silent ivory wood. A place, where some things had no name, where they came to forget. Where all lies were gone, and all secrets had been told. Where darkness fell from the sky like rain, a land of shadow, a place for dream and nightmare to meet and become one.
Not knowing who he was in the waking world the dreamer walked in darkness. Hunted, running, hiding, he did not know the dreadful things that stalked beneath the trees. It would have been easy to give up, to be swallowed by darkness, to surrender to the hunter lurking in the shadows. Breathless he fell, thorns reaching out for him like the fingers of crippled hands, but he rose again, walked on, driven by nothing but the desire to live.
And a song rose from the black earth, nothing but a whisper, a voice rose from the silence, and it grew, as others joined in. Words he did not know, words he had always known. Exhausted he fell, too much for his broken heart was the lament of trees, a requiem for something lost and gone.
The dreamer closed his eyes, he just wanted it all to end, all this pain and fear to be gone. In this moment, when everything faded into darkness a voice shook him, reached into him and took his very soul into hands cold as winters breath.
“...Listen...”
“All questions asked
All answers told
All battles lost
Long gone the dreams of old...”
These words that were no words, this voice that was not a voice became a thousand whispers, something dreadful, crawling through his mind like a snake through rotting leafs, devouring, feeding on his dreams, about to take the unknown treasure he held dearest among all things. “Who am I?”
“A king without a crown
A thing without a name
He did not cry, he did not scream
Did not bow down
When to the gates of death he came”
It were the trees that spoke, their voice young as life, old as death, shaking the very foundations of the world...
“Who am I?” The dreamer cried out in despair.
“You must seek the ship of thousand screams...
And you will find the path
Of your forsaken dreams...
The enemy you will meet there
A man of war,
Child of the spear.
The prophet in his cave
Truth and lie he gave...
The mountain of doom
You must climb
Walk on, don´t look,
what lingers in shadows left behind"
A question took form in his mind, became something uncontrollable, eating his thoughts, becoming the one and only thing he could think of... “Why?”
“The hunter draws close.
You must leave
This path you chose for good or grief...
This path you walk
Unto whatever end.
Whether you run
Whether you stand.
Your time draws close...
Thus is the path you chose.”


Tja, wie immer sind (fast alle, trolle trollt euch) kommentare mir äußerst willkommen, man will ja wissen was man falsch macht und was gefällt, wie funktioniert eurer meinung nach eigentlich die zweiteilung der erzählung?
und vielen dank n für aufmerksamkeit, zeit, lob kritik und was sonst noch so sein antlitz zeigt, ich wünsche noch eine "geile" zeit ein lebloser hat gesprochen hugh 😀

und zum schluss noch ein kleiner musiktip, poets of the fall: carnival of rust
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAp3iaTl89c&NR=1
und ein gedankenkeks für shoker (schöne entwicklung der geschichte übrigens zwar nicht wirklich warhammmeresk meiner meinung nach aber wer ist das schon, ich äußer mich dazu offiziell, sobald ich mit dem lesen nachkomm)
 
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Tja ich muss sagen, es gefällt mir und zu meiner eigenen Überraschung hab ich erstaunlich viel verstanden. Es waren eigentlich immer nur ein oder zwei Wörter, die mir fremd sind. Aber dafür kannst du ja nichts. Auf englisch klingt es wirklich nicht schlecht, aber ich könnte mir das auch mit deutschen Wörtern gut vorstellen. doch ein wenig Abwechslung schadet ja sicher auch nicht. Ansonsten: Wie gut bist du der englischen Sprache mächtig. An einigen Stellen hatte ich das Gefühl, das wäre grammatisch falsch, aber das kann auch an meinen Englisch-Kenntnissen liegen und ich wollte dir nichts unterstellen, deshalb frag ich. Einiges kam mir wie englische Wörter in deutscher Grammatik vor.

Die Zweiteilung ist kein Problem. Immer nur ein Charakter ist auf Dauer auch langweilig (ich hab sieben oder acht)

und ein gedankenkeks für shoker (schöne entwicklung der geschichte übrigens zwar nicht wirklich warhammmeresk meiner meinung nach aber wer ist das schon, ich äußer mich dazu offiziell, sobald ich mit dem lesen nachkomm)
freu mich drauf. Zum letzten Teil hat bisher nur flix was geschrieben und wenn so wenig Leser was schreiben, kommt man sich auch iwie komisch vor.